She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
