I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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