Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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