there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
