I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Even my vagina gasped.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
