you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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