if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
