If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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