I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
