so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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