I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
