At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I need water and some morals
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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