Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
did i just pee glitter
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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