you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
