you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
