She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I want to fling myself into the sun
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