I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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