you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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