whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
its liver damage thursday
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
