it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
me + whiskey = a bad person
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize