i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
