get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
