So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
