I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
