I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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