Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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