Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
