Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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