hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize