Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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