walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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