when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
