Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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