They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
