The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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