the new term for farting is butt boxing.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize