Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
