The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
