im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
