This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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