im drinking this country out of the recession.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
