I think my vagina is haunted
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
