Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
