Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
