my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
