she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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