sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
