I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
