Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
