Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
