for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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