I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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