Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
