It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize