Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
