I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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