I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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