I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Randomize
